Transformational Pleasure

I am sure there is a lot unknown and unclear about the Manti Te’o virtual girlfriend situation. If you haven’t read about this already, a synopsis is; football player Manti Te’o was hoaxed by a friend, who had unrequited romantic feeling for Manti Te’o, into having an online and phone relationship with a fictional woman. This relationship apparently went on for 3 years. After this time, the friend had the fake girlfriend die of leukemia. Manti Te’o went public with his grief and the hoax was revealed.

Now I feel sad for the suffering of everyone in this story and am unwilling to speculate about how this all unfolded. As a couple’s therapist however, it does bring up some fascinating questions about our current cultural models of relationship and intimacy and how social media and technology are re-shaping what it means to be connected. I have seen priorities change and more of more of the meat of communication happening through text or online sites. And while I recognize the convenience of being virtually connected, I worry about some of the deeper impacts on our relationships. I think it is important to ask ourselves some questions as we navigate these cultural changes.

Do we now think it is reasonable to have a significant relationship with someone that we cannot make time to see in person in over 3 years? Have we developed a cultural model in which we are all so busy that actually being physically together is negotiable? A 3 year romantic relationship is an extreme example, no doubt, but I encourage you to think about your friendships and how often you now prioritize updating posts so that people are “caught up with your life” versus making plans to see someone live and in person. How much time do you spend with romantic partners that doesn’t involve looking into screens? How many relationships are you willing to spend energy on when the thought of actually doing something with that person is unappealing?

Do we believe that people’s words are the core of who they are and the primary way to get to know them? As a therapist, I see every day the difference between what people say and what they feel, in fact this is much of what couples therapy is meant to reveal – the truth functioning underneath all the words. Now that most everyone has an online profile (or two), are we relying on that manufactured information to get to know someone? I recently read that people no longer know what to talk about on first dates because they have already read a basic bio of the person, which leads me to wonder – have we forgotten how to talk about our lives, the things we like, the dreams we have? Are we losing the gift of reading subtle cues from people, body language, eye contact, even the way we respond to the world around us? I remember when I was dating we learned a lot from observing how a person treated the waitstaff. Is this kind of social interaction irrelevant now? Is how someone literally moves through the world - how they drive, how much patience they show in doing tasks, if they move out of the way for other people in a crowded space- no longer considered part of who they are? Do we know the difference between persona and personality? Do we care?

And, of course, I do not know what kind of sexuality was or was not being expressed in Manti Te’o’s virtual relationship, but I worry for us all about the beautiful, awkward, sweaty, intimate, vulnerable, bonding experience of human sexuality being squeezed out by a reliance on the ease of words and pictures, fictional stories and our own minds. Virtual sex can be a fun addition but I hope we never lose sight of our desire for the astounding, risky experience of being physical with another person, and what it asks of us.

I have my own “connections” to celebrities, writers, artists, even politicians, that I will never meet in person. And I will grieve for them when they are gone and no longer playing an active part in my world. I believe it is good for us to learn from strangers, to allow ourselves to feel love for people far apart from us, to even develop stories about what they are like in person. But I hope I never lose sight of the fact that I do not know these people – that, in fact, they are a mystery to me, no matter how much written material I read about them. I hope I never forget to value the subtlety and fragility in the ongoing process of really getting to know someone.

If it interests you, visit my new article for YourTango.com on Open Relationships : Broaching the Forbidden Topic

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/melissa-fritchle/considering-open-relationship-how-talk-your-partner-e

Check out my latest video for YourTango Experts on advice for women who worry because they can only orgasm when masturbating. Here is the link

http://www.yourtango.com/2013171014/help-i-cant-climax-my-boyfriend-video

Big news – elderly people still enjoy and want sex. And it is good for them. Last year researchers with Australian Centre for Evidence Based Aged Care, made the long overdue statement in the Journal of Medical Ethics that nursing homes should not discourage residents from having sex. Does it surprise you that researchers need to even make this statement? Did you imagine that once you left your parents house, or the dorms, or got rid of roommates that you wouldn’t have to worry about finding a place to have sex in private? Think again.

 As the US’s elderly population grows, there will be more and more people faced with the need for caregivers – either moving in with their grown children and families, having in-home care, or moving into residential care facilities. And few of these caregivers are prepared to support an elderly person’s sexuality. Issues of privacy are key. Can the elderly person ask for private time to masturbate? Can they invite a new sexual partner to the home? Do they have freedom to shower or do other self care tasks when they want to, can they ask for help with these tasks on their own schedule? Also issues of access and resources come into play for the elderly. If they can’t drive themselves to the store, who can they ask for help if they need to buy lube or condoms (In fact, the elderly are a growing risk population for HIV and a clear reminder to all of us that safe sex is an ongoing life concern, even when birth control is no longer needed). Even more importantly -  would they or their caregivers be comfortable talking about these things with each other?

 If you are currently in a young and healthy body, it may be easy to read this and think, “Old people are too tired or sore to want sex, or old people have put sex behind them”. You may be blind to the elderly as sexual beings. I encourage you to think differently about this issue. Sex fulfills many needs in us. Our desire to be desired and to receive physical affection and sexual release outlives many other desires in our life. It is, in many ways, ageless.  Someday, if you live long enough, you may reach a point in which your independence starts to wane and you may rely on others for help with your daily living. How do you want to be treated? How do you want your body, your desires, your sexuality to be honored or acknowledged? And thinking of the elderly around you now, how can we do better in honoring them?

Interested in reading more about sex and aging? Follow the link to my article for YourTango on Preparing for a Sexy Old Age.  http://www.yourtango.com/experts/melissa-fritchle/preparing-sexy-old-age-start-now

Synonyms for Wildness from online source dictionary,com:

1. undomesticated, untamed, unbroken; ferocious. 4. barbarian, savage. 5. tempestuous, stormy, frenzied, turbulent. 6. boisterous. 7. insane. 9. self-willed, riotous, unrestrained, wayward. 10. uncontrollable. 12. reckless, rash, extravagant, impracticable. 13. grotesque, bizarre, strange, fanciful. 14. unkempt.

I believe we humans have an innate need for wildness. Not the “wildness” associated with drunk 20-somethings taking their tops off for a new reality TV show, but the wildness of freedom from being civilized, the wildness of nature. Our bodies yearn to be unrestrained by stiff chairs, pinching clothes, and polite postures. Our voices fight to let loose yells and yips and deep throated sighs. We want to see things growing without cultivation from unlikely ground. Our senses crave full reign over us, to not have the mind be running the show. Our instincts are saying, let us lead.  

But notice the many negative connotations to wildness listed above. There is a fear of what will happen if we are truly connected to wildness – we might become savage, reckless, rash, uncontrollable, even grotesque and strange. Oh dear. This privileging of the civilized has been around a long time now. We literally and figuratively build walls to keep up from the power of the natural world. And it really impacts our sex lives. Wildness is a source for our sexual desire and natural sexual expression. Have you tried having sex without letting yourself get “unkempt” (come on you know you have)? It’s not very fun. Sex doesn’t always have to be sweaty or loud and it certainly doesn’t have to feel uncontrollable, but having those potentials is a part of the aliveness of sex.

What does wildness mean to you? When do you feel most connected with the untamed parts of yourself? How can you let a little bit more of that show up for your sexuality?

Think for a bit about times in recent memory when you felt attractive or sexy. What were you doing? What was your body doing or feeling? Sometimes we imagine we will feel more attractive when we are dressed up, going out, being seen. But think for yourself, maybe you remember feeling vibrant and attractice when you are home alone dancing to music, sitting on your porch eating lunch in the sun, or at work giving a presentation. What are you wearing when you feel attractive? Who are you with? What people invite you to feel sexy and appealing? Why do you open up this part of yourself when you are with them? How do you see yourself through their eyes? Write about some of these times, recall the details, remind yourself what was going on for you in those moments. And then answer thsi question - what is it in those times that allows you to open to your own beauty or sex appeal or confidance?

As a New Year's resolution, you may decide to consciously create more times like that in your days and weeks. How can you build more space for yourself to feel attractive. It is not about waiting until you have lost weight or developed your pecs or erased your wrinkles. It is about knowing how to bring sexiness and attraction out in yourself and being your best, most confidant self now.

On December 6^th, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints published new website opening up a new kinder conversation around homosexuality than they have been known for I the past. Their key statement reads,

“The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.”

 Even though this may not be all we could hope for in terms of acceptance of homosexuality as a natural and healthy part of human sexual expression and identity, it is a huge step. For the church to acknowledge that study after study, and story after story, have shown that sexual orientation is not a choice but rather an innate part of each of us, changes how society must respond. To honor that a person is born loving who they love and attracted to who they are attracted to, then to persecute them for the qualities they were born with (one could say qualities that are  “god given”) is unfair and unkind. I have heard this from Catholic priests when I was in Uganda who told me directly, “if we come to believe that homosexuality is a part of the person when they are born, we will have to treat them differently. This would fundamentally change how we see this issue”.

 Now the new statement by the Mormon church, will not affect Catholics in Uganda, nor is it necessarily going to stop the church from trying to limit homosexual freedoms or rights for gay and lesbian couples. But it will require a new approach, it will validate the experience of the many gay and lesbian people who know, for them, love and desire is not a lifestyle choice. And it does call for love and understanding; that is a big step.

You sit with friends at a café, everyone joking about sex and their partners, and you think, “there is no way I am telling them how I really feel”. You are lying next to your partner, relaxed after a slow morning in bed together, when you have a memory from a past sexual experience but decide not to share it. You are around a dinner table with your family and your mom makes an assumption about your sex life that is not true, but you don’t feel safe correcting her. You are passionately petting with a new partner, who gasps, “we don’t need to use protection, don’t worry”. Nagging thoughts about the risky sexual behaviors in your past stay with you, but you keep quiet.

Our sexual stories often contain both secrets and privacy and the need to make decisions about both. What is the difference between something you want to keep private and a secret you are keeping? How do you decide when to keep information to yourself and what is important to share? Is it ok to keep sexual information to yourself? How much do you need to share with partners?

Secrets often feel bad. We usually keep secrets about information that we are ashamed of or feel could still hurt us in some way. Secrets sometimes have the quality of withholding information that may be relevant to another person, and so they can feel hard to keep and dangerous. Secrets feel like a burden; they hold us back and weigh us down.

Privacy, on the other hand, can feel empowering . It can apply to information about yourself that is new or vulnerable and that you are still learning about, so it is not ready to be shared. Privacy feels like a choice. Things that you choose to keep private may cause you to smile to yourself. Privacy relates to things that you may feel you could share, but is just no one’s business but your own. Privacy is space you give yourself.

 So how do you decide if this information is something you should share? Decide if it is currently relevant to the person you might share it with – will it impact the decisions they may make? Will not knowing this put them at risk in any way? Then decide how it is impacting your ability to feel intimate with this person. By not telling, do you feel like you are hiding a significant part of yourself, do you feel you are constantly holding yourself back? Are you thinking about it a lot, distracted by it? If no, then maybe this is something that you choose to keep private. It is not bad to have memories, fantasies, curiosities, that are just for you. Maybe someday you will share but if for now you feel happy holding this inside, let it feed the way you are with your partner and in the world, privately.

In my practice, I talk to many people who are considering asking their partner about changing their relationship agreements from monogamy to an open relationship. This can be a fragile, vulnerable, exciting, insightful time for people and there is much to explore. I will be writing a series of articles about what to ask yourself, how to approach a partner, and things to consider before opening a relationship to multiple partners. This article, posted on YourTango.com, outlines some questions to ask yourself before you even begin a conversation with your current partner.

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/melissa-fritchle/opening-your-relationship-what-ask-yourself-expert

In this time of gratitude (and stuffing ourselves) it can be a good to remind ourselves of all that is going right with our bodies and how lucky we are. Take some time to write about the wonderful things you have experienced because of your body this past month. What sensations, what physical activities and adventures were you able to try, what flavors did you taste, what moments of joy were based in your bodily experience? In what ways has your body been strong for you? What lapses in self care has it managed to pull you through? What can you do to show your gratitude now?